Thoughts

It’s like when you repeat a word over and over and it loses meaning. It becomes just a sound.

It’s the same when you look at your life, or just life, and think of it and keep looking and keep thinking and you see nothing and think of nothing. It’s like it’s not real. It becomes nothing. 

Sometimes I’m not even sure if it’s real. I don’t debate whether it is or not -because that’s just silly. I just get on with things. Everybody does, but them knowing in the back of their heads that it is. But I don’t think of it much. If I were asked I wouldn’t know because I just get on with things. But that’s not the reason. Sometimes I think until the thought means nothing and I end up thinking I was thinking of nothing.

 

Do you get it? 

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Talking too much

Is it bad? I don’t know.

I’ve always been a talkative person, at least around people I’m comfortable with. I’ve been dubbed with nicknames by family all through my childhood of or pertaining to being so. It’s a personality trait for me; a second nature.

Wise people are always depicted as being composed, collected, self-possessed. Never talkative. Talkativeness I think has negative connotations, with garrulity. I don’t want those two qualities confused. I for one do know I tend to speak more often than not, but not in a ‘not nice’ way (at least I hope that’s not the case). I don’t know. Why do I sometimes can’t help but feel that it is ‘not nice’? Of course, if one talks a lot, the chances that they speak crap are higher than those who don’t, because well, there’s more talking happening. More chatter, more natter.

Sometimes, I’d get a whim to just stop talking. Decide that, that’s it, I’d stop being talkative. It never worked. In fact, it would be difficult. It was conscious, I’d be constantly thinking of not talking, because I’d constantly be wanting to.

I remember as a child, probably 7 or 8 years old, I was in the playground at school. We had a girl in our class, so calm and shy. She never spoke. I was jealous of that. I remember her nose was bleeding that day, she stood under the shade with tissues fiddling around under the shade. I remember looking at her and thinking ‘I want to be like that’. I don’t know why I thought that talking was such an incompetence.

Maybe because it is. I digress too much.

Lost

People are surrounding you; you’re not alone. You have your family. You have your friends. You have your lover. But you are lonely.

You relentlessly linger, laze, and loiter. You find it mundane, meek, and mediocre. You render them lower, lesser, and worse.

You’re lethargic. Without energy. Without power; powerless. Without direction; directionless.Your life is hapless, and you, hopeless.

Always looking for something, always. Never have you found it, but never did you stop. Constantly lost, in a yearning search, on a longing pursuit; it’s a never-ending desire. You’re looking for something, wanting something. Who is it? What is it?

You thought you found it. You let it go, you let go. Break up, break off and break away. Time and time again.

But then, things changed. Someone became something. This time you didn’t let go. How could you? He’s everything you have ever wanted. The exact reason you want to. Too good. Too good to be true.

It is not true.

Is it?

Only you choose whether it’s worth it. Whether it’s worth the inevitable hurt. The very hurt you now contain, carry down, and carry on. The strangling, the choking, the heart beats; all that’s buried down.

If you decide it worth it, decide it true, if you let it be true: dig a bigger pit. Let it be ceaseless, only then will it suffice.

A question difficult to answer. Yes, you can not answer. You remain, for now, still lost. Still searching, still pursuing. In a never-ending desire.

You do not want to answer.

What to do with life?

Hi.

At school, one of the most common questions is ‘What do you want to do when you grow up?’ or ‘What would you like to study?’. I’ve never known how to answer those questions. I didn’t know what I wanted to study and as a result I didn’t know what I wanted to do later on in life. People would say just do what you like, but what if I don’t know what I like? This struck me when I was deciding on my AS subject for Year 12, I wasn’t sure which subjects I enjoyed, which I hated, and which I was neutral about. I ended up picking 3 different subjects to widen my choices once I do know what I want.

So, I’m just trying to say that I’d love to have a set path, know where I’m going, have something to want to wake up for everyday, instead of nothing’ing all year.

Anyhow, now I’m left with this question, what do with life? ‘Getting on with it’ doesn’t seem to cut it anymore.